Wrangler Dani

So, friends. You saw that little twinkle in your hunny’s eye, and nine months later, out pops this adorable, tiny-shoe-wearing, giant-stroller-requiring bundle of joy. Once you have one, you might as well have several, and once you have several, you might as well take them all to the mall after Christmas, for lack of anything better to do. I get it. Really.

But I just have one request. As a fellow harried mall-goer who was foolish enough to attempt a return three days after Christmas and also thought she might get a few other things done besides simply wandering the aforementioned looney bin (aka the mall at holiday time), please. I BEG OF YOU.

TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO WALK IN A STRAIGHT LINE.

I know. It sounds simple. The shortest distance between two points and all that jazz. But you people have apparently fallen down on your God-given job, because not one single solitary child walked in a straight line, despite the absolute HOARDS of them that decided to zig-zag in front of yours truly. Also, some of these tykes appear to be quite nearly grown. As in, we’re shortly going to be trusting them with a piece of heavy machinery which they will be required to hold in-between two lines and not careen into the thousands of other cars on the road, a particularly terrifying idea to contemplate when you realize that these youngsters can’t even keep their own feet going in one direction for longer than it takes to type out “OMG” into their besparkled cell phone.

Let THAT sink in for minute, eh?

So, really, I’m not making this appeal as a childless curmudgeon who has had it with widdle toddler wobbles. I’m really a public servant, just trying to keep everyone safe, (and, in the meantime, keep your cherubs from being yelled at by stressed out post-holiday errand runners).

It’s not that hard. Make your offspring walk in a straight line. In a few short years, your car insurance will thank you, and so will I.