Wrangler Dani

Dear Optimist,

I have great love for you. Really. While I didn’t devote all of the years of my college career to your hallowed pages, I did invest a couple as a staff writer and editor. I loved working for you and for our beloved, flat, Pizza-Hut-fed campus, getting into arguments about AP Style and passive voice and page layouts, when normal college kids were either sleeping or drinking beer.

My collegiate colleagues and I were far from perfect. But we CARED. We had a lot of pride in what we did, and despite all of our complaints about loss of sleep and a life, we loved it.

So WHY, Optimist? Why would you forsake the sweat and tears that have gone before? Why would you willingly lose your red pens?

Friends; readers. I now present to you: The Decline of Student Journalism. (Complete with my edits. I couldn’t help myself. Consider this my couch and soothing music, and you’re all my doctors. TELL ME IT WILL BE OK.)

Eating well on budget is possible in Abilene

In the heart of fried food heaven with gravy on the (“the” is an extra word. Cut.) top and midnight runs to Whataburger, (This should be a dash, not a comma) cheap, fast, and fat are the menu items for common consumption. This might be the worst lede I have EVER read. It doesn’t make sense. I can’t even tell you what to do better. Just throw it away. Please.

When fast food joints are the only options surrounding campus, students go with what is cheapest and closest. Price also comes into play when eating out. (Hi, Captain Obvious, you just said “cheapest”… tell us something new. Also, “comes into play”?! Cliche. The Mann would have your gizzards for breakfast.)

I, for one, do not necessarily dislike fast food but am just sick of consuming the options around me. (You’re about to tell us that there are other options around us. In that light, this sentence makes no sense. Rephrase.) So, I went on a search to find non-fast food eateries that please my palate and my wallet.

Within close proximity to campus, most places I found were downtown. I personally have never thought of downtown Abilene as a hopping food scene, (hopping? really? couldn’t you use a word that actually describes something or makes sense? say, tasteful. gourmet. classy. healthy. ANYTHING.) but when I looked closely, quite a few options with good food and good prices made themselves known. (MADE THEMSELVES KNOWN?! Did a sandwich shop walk up to you and introduce itself?! HOLD ME BACK.)

My favorite of them all (them all? Once again, Dr. Mann. Breakfast. That’s all I have to say.) is Alley Cats. This restaurant, which is decorated with scenes and signs of old television shows like Cheers and Seinfeld, (Ahem. Italicize titles, please.) (Ahem. Cheers and Seinfeld are not “old”, and even if they were, “old” means nothing and is not descriptive, therefore is a poor word choice. Rephrase.) has a fun and laid-back atmosphere. With plenty of options to choose from, whether sandwiches, wraps, a daily hot food (WTH is “hot food”?) bar, daily specials and homemade chips, Alley Cats will give you a run for variety. (“Will give you a run for variety”? CLICHE POLICE – we got a live one. Also, as an added bonus, this cliche doesn’t even make sense.)

I recommend the chicken salad sandwich on marble rye bread with everything on it (the “Aristocat”). (There are more interesting ways to say this. Describe something to me – at this point, I don’t whether you’re a writer or a hurried cashier who is just making a suggestion so I order already.) Prices for food (Duh, for food. Trim that fat!) range between $4 and $8 (depending on if you get a meal). Perk: Alley Cats serves a cheap, tasty breakfast. And when I say cheap, I mean $3-$5. (Um, you should have said that, instead of forcing yourself to explain “cheap”.) However, (This “However” doesn’t fit. Introduce it a different way.) if you are going for lunch, try to go either a little early or a little late- between noon and 1 p.m., the line can get lengthy. Alley Cats is open weekdays from 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. weekdays at two locations: downtown at 401 Pine St. and in the Mall of Abilene.

Bogie’s, which is named after and decorated in the theme of Humphrey Bogart, gives more sandwich varieties than any menu I have ever seen. (HOW DO WE KNOW WHAT MENUS YOU’VE SEEN?! DESCRIBE SOMETHING) With choices of different meats, vegetables and breads, Bogie’s builds a mean, healthy (You know these organic foods with their ornery attitudes…) sandwich for a small price. With chips and a drink included, you can expect to pay around $5. Perk: for vegetarians and health food fanatics, (Um, hi. Liking sprouts doesn’t make me a fanatic. It might mean I’m not a West Texas native, but it’s NOT WEIRD to have vegetables on a sandwich.) many sandwiches are meat–free, and items such as mushrooms, sprouts and avocado are on the menu. Creatively, each item on the menu is named after a Humphrey Bogart film. (You told us about Humphrey in the beginning. Either mention this earlier or give us an example. This sentence is unnecessary and very boring.)

“Options” (In quotes? Is this a title? The name of the menu? Who are you quoting? Why?) is the name of the game (THE NAME OF THE GAME!!! DR. MANN. GIZZARDS FOR BREAKFAST. HOLD ME BACK.) on this menu. Perk: (the “Perk:” thing is annoying twice in a row,) phone in your order and pick it up if time gets in your way. (Incoming – weird anecdotal sentence) Bogie’s, whose (Is a restaurant a “whose”?) motto is “Here’s Eating With You, Kid,” the famous line taken from Bogart’s 1942 Oscar winning film, Casablanca, (Ahem. Italicize titles, please.) is located at 211 Cypress St. downtown (next to Monks coffee shop).

For one more downtown stop, venture to The Loft, located upstairs in the shop Under One Roof. With soups, salads and sandwiches on the menu, The Loft serves basic lunch food with a New York, Italian deli feel. (I know. I’m starting to feel bad. But then again, YOU’RE A REPORTER. DESCRIBE SOMETHING, rather than making us guess at what a “New York Italian deli” feels like.) Homemade soup with New York bagel chips and sandwiches served with prosciutto has the statement “unique and hard to find in Abilene” ringing true. (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Who are we quoting? Why are we still using cliches that make NO sense? “Ringing true”? “Unique and hard to find in Abilene” in quotes? I’m foaming at the mouth, here, people. This is getting dire.)

Expect to spend anywhere between $2 – $8. Perk: (Really?) the atmosphere is quaint and calming- you don’t have to yell over everyone for the person across from you to hear. (To hear what? Incomplete.) The Loft is located downtown on 244 Pine St. and is open from 11 a.m to 2 p.m.

These are not the only restaurants that offer taste (Hi. Sonic offers taste. McDonald’s offers taste. Your goal was healthy and not fast food. Not taste. C’MON.) and low prices. Other places include Ann Thai Kitchen (which has a gluten free menu), Mc-Kay’s deli located across from Monk’s (Whoa, whoa, why does Mc-Kay’s get a “located at” and nobody else? It jumbles the sentence and throws the reader off.) and known for their desserts, the salad/pasta bar at United Supermarkets and Rick and Carolyn’s Burgers & Fries. (Journalists don’t use ampersands. Is that really how Rick and Carolyn’s spells it?) All of these restaurants are enjoyable and provide unique options, so quit searching (Man, you’re bossy.) – Lunch is served. (If this whole thing was about lunch, you should have said that in your lede and/or headline. REWRITE.)

Wow. That was cathartic. As a side note, I usually wouldn’t tear into a young reporter’s writing like this – I remember what it’s like to sweat through Basic News and shake in my boots at the Optimist Editors’ collective red pens – but this particular missy has been writing for the paper for two YEARS now.

Optimist. Dearest. What’s going on?