Wrangler Dani

You all have been so kind and wonderful. The texts, comments and emails about my last couple of sad posts have been overwhelming and beautiful and perfect. Just…. thank you.

I was recently reading a book of essays by one of my heroes, the great Andree Seu, and in one she talks about the need to be validated by others:

“When you don’t have an internal sense of Self, you need an external – and a constant supply of it. You’re condemned to roam the earth a parasite. The restless spirits of Matthew 12 go through waterless places and have no peace until they find a host. They do not exist apart from this.

If you tell me I am something, I am something. But you’d better say it every day, or at least once a week, because I’ve become a junkie for your praise and my kingdom is in constant danger of overthrow. Your affirmation feeds my Self.”

I’ve been thinking about this lately, as I am alone in the desert. I have resisted rejoining a writer’s group, tried to muddle through my emotions on my own and begged for clarity from Heaven as I try to figure out my heart. Maybe I’m not yearning for affirmation as much as I am a girlfriend, a glass of Chardonnay and a good laugh.

I keep having the thought that I am only as good as the people around me think I am. That I can’t pursue motherhood without you believing in me and I can’t write well without respect. It seems true, but is it? Am I “roaming the earth a parasite”, seeking affirmation that no person can ever give?

Somehow, I think Ms. Seu has landed on something profound, and my current heartache and loneliness is only beginning to scratch the surface of what it means. I’m walking into a calling and looking over my shoulder, hoping for a cheering section and a wide array of foam fingers from my fellow-man, when the One who matters has already gone ahead, and is looking back at me with amusement, wondering when I’ll quit focusing on the storm and look to Him.

I am something because God says I am something. It sounds trite, I know, but in my gut I know it’s true. I’m working on being something, on writing something because I need to, not because someone else likes it, on pursuing a dream because it matters, not because someone told me I could.