Wrangler Dani

Writer, editor, wife, adoptive mama and cowgirl living in beautiful Central Oregon.

Diabetes, and why I don’t talk about it

Type 1 and Type 2 Diabetics are not the same thing. Sure, there are exceptions, but the vast majority of diabetics are that way either because of advanced age or life choices they made – they ate poorly or ignored warning signs or allowed their weight to get out of control, and they are living with the consequences. I’m a diabetic because an unfortunate roll of the dice meant my pancreas stopped working as a teenager. I’m not overweight, unhealthy or sedentary. I’m not old or under any illusions about how many Milky Way bars I can eat in one day. It’s just the way it is.

Every time I go to the doctor, I want to scream, “I’m 29!” as they shuffle me through elderly question after elderly question. I’ve just spent an hour in the waiting room where the median age is 65 and the median weight is 300 (sing it with me, one of these things is not like the other) and now you’re lecturing me about the “dangers” of wearing flip-flops and the necessity of using a diabetic cookbook.

When I leave the doctor’s office, I encounter more landmines, as good-natured acquaintances try to “help” me by telling me what I can and can’t eat. “We could meet at Starbucks? Oh wait, you can’t have that…” they say, blowing right by my insistence that I’ve lived with this disease for quite a long time now, and I’m fairly sure I can make a healthy choice at the most common meeting place of the 21st century.

So, this is why I don’t talk about it. It’s a hassle, an embarrassment, an inconvenience, and I’m not willing to let it rule my life more than it already does. At least one day a week I wake up exhausted by having to think about how many units of insulin to take, annoyed that I have to make yet another trip to the pharmacy or just tired of thinking through every food choice, mood change, exercise level or outside temperature, because, yes, all of this effects my blood-sugar, and yes, it’s as tiring as it sounds. I can’t go for a hike or a paddle without a backpack of insulin and snacks, my purse is the size of a small child for the same reason, and sometimes I just want to cry from frustration and exhaustion.

I know I need to be grateful – if I’d been born 50 years earlier I’d have been dead at 15 – but sometimes all I want is to have someone understand how it feels to be young, healthy, adventurous and yet tied down to something that can be so hard to live with. The hope of pregnancy and having my own kids have even been sacrificed to its unrelenting hunger, and while, yes, I’ll keep fighting and working and trying – sometimes I’m just tired of fighting. My whole life is a fight – a fight to stay healthy, to stay normal, to save my kidneys and my eyesight and every other bodily function that everybody loves to tell me is headed for the rocks at any moment.

Why am I writing this? I don’t really know, other than I never have before and I’m hoping it’s cathartic rather than terrifying. I guess I’m also writing because you probably know someone – me or someone else – who lives with diabetes or something similar – who wants you to be their friend, not their doctor. Ask questions, be sympathetic, offer hugs and help, but don’t mother me. Let me make the choices I make every day, and if you want to know why or how, don’t be afraid to ask and listen. Don’t jump to conclusions or tell me that your grandmother was also a diabetic so you know all about it – every story is different and everyone lives with disease in a different way.

I guess I’m telling you this, because, as I said, I don’t talk about it because I don’t want it to rule my life, but I don’t want my reticence to rule me, either. Does that make sense? Anyway, if you’re still here, thanks for listening.

12 comments found

  1. You’re amazing and I admire you SO much not only for dealing with this every single day, but for doing it with grace and maturity, and then coming here to write about it so honestly and impeccably. Love you.

  2. Brave girl!!! I love that you always have snacks and have never let something stand in your way of what you want, hamburger, nachos, ice cream or having children!

  3. You are an inspiration and a blessing. Thanks for sharing your heart and know that you are loved and appreciated.

  4. So glad you wrote this. It definitely helps me understand all that goes into dealing with it on a daily basis. I admire you for handling it all so well and writing this. Love you!

  5. Ditto – straight from my heart! I love you and I understand (totally!) Also, it is great to voice these ideas, because people don’t typically worry about every specific choice that they make. No one, but a Type I, recognizes the tremendous complexity involved in eating, sleeping, walking and thinking as an individual whose life is managed with life-saving injections of insulin.

    Let Adam take you our for a grand-dinner… Oops you had better watch what you eat! LOL – Love you, DAD

  6. I’ve always admired how you’ve handled this with courage and determination. Even though this disease is with you every minute of every day, you don’t let it define you or limit you. Keep up the good fight and your positive attitude. Love you!

  7. Bravery!
    I love you, I’m super proud of you for talking about this here AND for dealing with it every single day. Your ability to juggle choices and remember annoying but necessary things on a daily basis will serve you infinitely well when you become a mother.

    WHEN.

    xoxo

  8. Never, ever knew you were Type 1. My ex was type 1, just make sure your partner knows how to handle unexpected low blood sugar events, which can be frightening to your partner.

  9. He eventually got to where he could no longer recognize low blood sugar events so in addition to the pump, he had a wireless sensor mechanism that would set off alarms when he could no longer sense low blood sugar events, but the sensor could. Take care girlfriend! It’s all about counting carbs. I attended years of diabetic dietician appointments with him. And it’s all about 3 things and how they interact. Physical activity, diet and insulin doses. It’s a daily routine that gets interesting but it doesn’t have to be the interference in your life that other things can be. It’s all manageable! And good for you for having a loving spouse who can help you!

  10. Thank you for bringing me closer to understanding what living life with diabetes is like. Thank you for sharing and opening up about this major part of your life. I have admired you for many reasons, now I have one more thing to add to the list. God is using you to be an inspiration to others Dani.

  11. Look at all these people who love you!

    Thank you for the reminder that people living with illness need us to be their friend.. not their Mom. All too often I just think I’m being helpful – next time I will pause instead. xoxo

    P.S. No offense to Dana Fisher, but did she even read your post??

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