Wrangler Dani

Today, we walked into the AAA office, where we’d gone at least a half-dozen times to get several adoption papers notarized. We’ve been having a cold snap so we were bundled up and Adelay was wrapped in a blanket, sound asleep with her head on my shoulder. The notary led us back to a corner cubicle and we dialed the judge’s chambers at the appropriate time. We had to dial back several times because no one answered, just adding to our unease. Finally, a clerk answered. The notary swore us in, they asked us to verify our desire and ability to adopt, and then asked us for a brief statement about why we want to be parents. We stumbled – how do you say what parenthood and adoption and this precious baby girl means to you in three sentences? – but got through it and I think we sounded intelligent or at least sincere.

Then it was done. “The judge is signing” said the clerk, and the judge added in, “Congratulations – you have a happy Thanksgiving and a Merry Christmas together” which was the moment I came undone. Because we get to celebrate the holidays as a real family – no strings attached, no social worker looking over our shoulder and no fear of the worst happening, the horror story that unfolded for your friend’s cousin coming true.

I just held Adelay close in that funny little very non-private cubicle and cried. I’ve wanted to be a mom for so long, and sometimes that almost makes all of this harder – how can I have yearned to do this laundry and now sigh over it, I yell at myself. Regardless, it’s easy to get caught up in the daily stuff of life and lose sight of the incredible, heart-stopping drama we’ve lived through. I didn’t even know how scared I’ve been until the judge said “Congratulations” and my fear came pouring out my eyeballs in ecstatic, relieved tears – this baby girl is ours and we are hers in the deepest way.

I think it’s important to note this: to remember that I was scared and still dared to keep loving anyway. I tend to write off my tears or anxieties as silly nuisances instead of the makings of character that runs deep and wide. I remember when we flew back from Jacksonville with our two-week-old, and we came into the Redmond airport at midnight after a 17-hour day of travel, and we were stopped by an older couple at the baggage claim. I don’t know what prompted it, but the man said to me, “When you walked through that door, I could tell you were an adoptive mom. Nobody and nothing is going to hurt that baby while you’re here – I can see it.” In the moment I thought it was a sweet thing to say to an obviously exhausted and fragile new mom, and that maybe my neuroses was showing and I needed to loosen my grip and smile a tad more. But now I realize that I was being shaped by this wild ride, and I still am. Because every challenge opens my heart wider and makes my back stronger.

Today, I am grateful for the chance to share our story with the sweet notary at AAA. I’m grateful for the kindness of a judge across the country, for the strength of my husband, for the smile of my daughter. I’m grateful for the chance to love through fear, and for the happy beginning to another incredible chapter.