Wrangler Dani

I’m re-reading Eat, Pray, Love in honor of the new movie, and I am once again blown away by Elizabeth Gilbert’s incredible way with words. I laughed and cried with her the first time and I am doing so again – this time I’m probably even more moved, simply because I’m going through my own journey of discovery these days (although I don’t get to travel to exotic places for my epiphanies. Actually, doesn’t it say in James, “ask the Lord for wisdom and He’ll send you on vacation to get it?” No? Well. Can’t blame me for trying.).

She talks about longing to be in control – about wishing she were different – and I so resonate with that. Don’t we all?

I have to confess.  The thing I most wish I could change about myself is so incredibly superficial it makes me embarrassed to even say it….. I wish I could change my style. I want to be effortlessly pretty and cool and know how to do my hair and make-up easily and simply stylishly. But I am not that girl. I’m not the girl who knows what to wear when. I’m just not. I’m completely clueless. I usually have frizztastic curls all over and I almost never remember jewelry or make-up.  I don’t think I’ll ever be the effortlessly made-up girl, and there’s no harm in working on it, there is harm in letting my assumptions about myself get in the way of Life.

So I’m trying to work on all of this without having to be in charge – and thus, giving myself grace.  I’m working on thinking before I speak, on being kind consistently, on not worrying about things I can’t control,  on not fearing what others think, on giving selflessly. These are all things I don’t do well. I can’t control the personality God gave me, or the body type or the circumstances I get frustrated with. But I can move with grace despite it. I can assume that he gave me these gifts and personality for a reason and embrace my unique role in Him.

This Sunday I was the “lead producer” for Mariners MV, and I was scared to death. (A producer makes sure that the lights are at the right level, sound is correct, everybody gets on stage when they should, etc.) Normally I perform this role as an assistant and am just there to wear an earbud (which makes me look awesome, I know) and help out, but yesterday I was leading this gig.

There are a lot of moving parts, and honestly, if you looked at my office desk you wouldn’t think that organization is my strong suit. If you looked at my past, you would assume that I would be on the worship team, being told when to get on stage, not doing the telling from behind the scenes. If you looked at me you might see a curly-headed young thing who clearly needs a lesson in how to use an earbud properly and maybe an accessorizing tip or two. But somehow, even though I never would have signed up for this job, I pulled it off. The service went great and I even forgot to be nervous. (Well, I forgot to be AS nervous.)

I’m not in charge. I still fight it. I still want to be. I want to pick the things that I think are wrong about myself and give God a checklist on how different Dani Nichols should be… but every now and then I get an inspired moment, and I remember that I’m so glad that I don’t get to.

In the drama of my life that unfolds in my head (complete with soundtrack and exotic locales) I never would have been a producer at church, or married, or a therapuetic horseback riding instructor, or a blogger, or any of the other incredible, amazing gifts I’ve been given. So it’s better that I’m not in charge, really… even though I swear I will get the hang of earrings one of these days.