Wrangler Dani

(Well, not live, exactly, since they happened four days ago and I’m just now getting to it. But you know. Live enough. Live for me. Something like that.)

Reba is hosting. Despite being a country-music die-hard fan, I am not a Reba fan. She’s always trying too hard, and is atrociously unfunny. Sorry, Reebs.

She makes some digs at nearly everybody who’s anybody, then announces that Cher is coming onstage. Crowd shot of Brad Paisley. He is confused. I’m with you, Brad. But she still gets a Standing O, and Tim McGraw looks oddly moved. She’s having a hard time talking through all that Botox.

Blake Shelton! He has crazy eyes. I love the pan-shots of all the cowboy hats and big hair. Oh, Texas, I miss you.

Blake yells, “Hey America! Trace Adkins!” which is a really weird intro. Trace launches into his signature bass, which is, of course, great. The crowd knows exactly when to yeall “YeeeHaw” in this song. Awesome. Watching them sing together is like watching a retriever puppy try to get a grouchy bulldog to play. Poor Blake.

Oh Billy Currington. He seems like the kind of guy who’s much happier in a bar or a county fair then here. He gives a cute wink to an older gal in the audience as he goes by… aw.

Kenny Chesney. What is this? The parade of eligible country bachelors? Kenny’s “Jimmy Buffett of country” shtick was cute for a minute, but I kinda wish he’d sing about something other than senoritas and running away from responsibility and pooka shells.

Commercials! About trucks. Of course.

Brooks and Dunn are splitting up! HOW DID I MISS THIS?! OMG.

Faith Hill is dressed in a short white sheath with flappy arm things that looks like they’re intended to hide fat. She is NOT fat. Why do tiny people do this to themselves?

Lady Antebellum wins Song of the Year for “Need You Now”. Excellent choice. Way to go.

First they thank their wives, families and God. Reason #866 that I love Country music.

This is the most Broadway edition of a Country song EVER. Laura Bell Bundy? Jury’s still out on the singing/dancing/giant sparkly horseshoe edition of Country. Really? She’s getting carried by four cowpokes? Brad Paisley is again confused. With you again, Brad.

The tender side of Toby Keith comes out, which is sweet and sad and totally a tear-jerker. He sings about calling his late friend’s voicemail just to hear his voice, and I’m… totally done. Tissue time! “Play it sweet in heaven, ’cause that’s right where you wanna be, I’m not crying ’cause I feel so sorry for ya, I’m crying for me.” Oh GOSH.

The Zac Brown Band is playing for the soldiers in the Middle East… and tells these tough men and women “what we tell our concerts back in the States – to remember y’all sleeping out here in the sand so we can be free back home.” They play “Chicken Fried” and get rousing applause from fellas and gals in Army tan. I’m crying again. I thought ACM would be fun and snarky! Not tear-jerky and heart-felt! Oh golly.

Lindsay Vaughn and Joe Nichols. Joe looks like he’s trying for the Matthew McConaughey Impression of the Year. LADY ANTEBELLUM again! They are the new Sugarland.

Commercials. So, Robin Hood is happening again. I know that this makes me a heretic, but I HATED the Kevin Costner version. Maybe this one will be worth three hours of my time?

LL Cool J? Huh. I really want them to pan over to Brad and see if he’s confused again.

Taylor Swift performs! I really wish that LL would have said “I’ma let you finish…” Haha pop culture humor! Taylor is flying over the crowd ala Galinda the Good. Her parent must regularly pinch themselves. Whose little girl is this?!

Julianne Hough has a foil potluck dish glued to her boobs. She seems embarrassed about it. Maybe that’s just me. Is Brad confused again?

All the Top New Artist nominees perform song blips. Gloriana jives. Luke Bryan looks lonely over in the corner by hisself. Joey and Rory? I think? They’re cute, they look like genuine small-town folk, which we all know I dearly love. Luke Bryan wins! That’s his prize for looking so lonesome. “It is impossible for a human to shake more than I am right now”. AW. He also thanks God and his wifey and his mom and dad and his hometown in Georgia, which doesn’t happen in ANY other awards show, guaranteed.

Lady Antebellum performs with mad guitar skills. Way to go. They sing “American Honey” which, shockingly enough, is NOT about how much America sucks, which these days is fairly counter-cultural. Sorry, I know. I’ll shut my seditious opinions up now, if you want them, you can read my other blog. (Shameless plug.)

Commercials. Home Depot sells flowers. I may soon be investing in such things, as soon as this weather acts like California and quits raining for more than a minute.

Rascal Flatts also sings an upbeat “pick yourself up” anthem. Yay America!

Kristen Bell! She’s so cute. But why aren’t there more actual country people on stage? Album of the Year goes to…. Revolution by Miranda Lambert! She’s totally deserving and genuinely country and old-school talented. Brad is no longer confused, hallelujah! God gets another shout-out, holla! Technical issues abound.

Zac Brown says “No matter what your political views are, these men and women are fighting for our freedom every day, I love our country, and it’s an honor for us to be over here playing for them.” Amen. (Just an aside, I’m a lot less pro-nation-building than I used to be, but I still could not agree more with supporting these courageous guys and gals. Sorry! No more politics. I’ll write about it later. Sorry. You don’t care.)

So what happened while I was deep in nation-building vs isolationist thought? Oh. Jason Aldean. He has earrings. He sings a song called “Crazy Town” and fulfills a stereotype. Kay. Ha! I just had a thought, I wonder if the Academy held their awards show in Vegas to make a statement to the Prez? Ha. That would be awesome. Sorry! The political thought just happens.

Commericals. Diet DP EXISTS! Wooooooo!

Miranda Lambert. My uncle loves her and he has great taste in music, so I guess I need to hop on board the train.

LeeAnn Rimes. Montgomery Gentry win Home Depot Humanitarian of the Year. Aw, they get a standing O. Either they’re both huge or LeeAnn is tiny. “To all the volunteers who work hard every day, this is the greatest country in the world, baby!” As somebody who works with awesome volunteers every day, I couldn’t agree more.

Dierks Bentley. LURVE him.

Commercials. The Back-Up Plan sounds funny, looks terrible.

Carrie Underwood is wearing a giant ballgown made of Easter/Mother’s Day themed wrapping paper. I love this song, but seriously? The dress is way too much. Also, she’s singing about something very spiritual and gritty and gets showered with Easter-colored sprinkles? It just seems weird. She gets the “Triple Crown” and starts crying. She thanks her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and gets a rousing cheer. Can I say again how much I love country music? I think maybe it’s because I live in such a liberal/anti-religion place of the country, but HOLY COW all of these pro-country and pro-G0d shout-outs are making me sappy.

OK. Back to real life, in which the star of CSI Miami presents awards. Which is strange. How many CSIs are there, anyway? Anyways, the Top Vocal Group is… surprise, surprise, Lady Antebellum. They’re starting to look shocked and overwhelmed, which is sortof endearing.

Tim McGraw is still sexy, FYI. Black hat, black shirt and he still tosses people out of his concerts for being bums. They get the token shot of Faith, and I’m a sucker for a good marriage, so I “awwwww” to myself.

I’m at 1300 words. No one is still reading, but I’m enjoying myself.

Commercials. Oh, Coffeemate, I love you too, sugarmuffinhoneybun.

Brad Paisley! I completely lost respect for one of the Big Hollywood writers when he expressed surprise at Brad’s mad guitar skills. Keep up, people. He is awesome. And no longer confused, luckily. He walks through the crowd playing his guitar and a little fangirl almost loses it. I would too, fangirl, it’s OK. He ends with a fall backward into a jacuzzi (the song was “Water” after all) and I love that the first thing he does is put his hat back on. The jacuzzi thing is surprisingly “concert-stuntish” for him. He’s typically a stand-there-and-play-guitar-if-you-don’t-like-it-too-bad-kind of performer, but I guess this could all be taken as part of his self-deprecating style and make sense. Either way, you can’t sway me from my love of Brad.

Matthew McConaughey is here! Sorry Joe, you can’t win the MM look-alike contest. I still really like MM, no matter how many times he bongos naked or whatever. I just love me some Southern fellas, I guess. Top Male Vocalist is… a very wet Brad Paisley! He carries a towel up with him and asks MM if he can borrow his shirt since MM is “used to not wearin’ one”. Ha. Another shout-out to wifey and God. Holler!

Commercials. I really want to see “Crazy Heart”. Jeff Bridges will always be The Dude.

Reba is acting like she has sweaty armpits. She gets all teary saying good-bye to Brooks and Dunn, which might reduce my dislike of her slightly. She’s better when she’s sincere. They sing “My Maria” as their good-bye song, which makes sense, I guess, but they both look pretty bored. To their credit, I think most people in this audience could sing this song backwards, so I guess its had its day. There’s no talk of what comes next for them, so I’m pretty sure that means that they’ll go buy an island somewhere and never sing that song again.

Randy Travis and Carrie Underwood announce Top Duo of the Year. Randy is adorably self-aware for such a legend. I love him. Brooks and Dunn take it, which Carrie seems incredibly excited about and even gives a little screech. Ronnie and Kicks say that they’re in therapy with Brett Favre, haha.

Commercials. “Letters to Juliet” looks terribly cheesy. I’ll probably still see it. And cry. Hey, I’m just being honest about my weaknesses.

Reebs is gonna twang at us now. OK, so her song is sweet. There’s pictures of famous country couples behind her, starting with Johnny and June. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. I LOVE MARRIAGE.

Where did my snark go?! I can’t recap Country apparently. I love it too much to be funny about it.

It’s Tad Hamilton! Hi Josh. You don’t need to yell. Top Female Vocalist is…… Miranda Lambert! Josh is excited! She starts with “You’ve GOT to be kidding me!” She thanks Jesus, holler!

Commercials. I think I want a Palm Pre. Or something. Maybe if I wait even longer to upgrade, Verizon will start paying me to procrastinate.

Keith Urban is still cute, but his little home movie business is giving me a headache. New angles! Grainy texture added later! Bright lights! Over-stimulation!

Commercials. AT&T knows how to get to saps like me. Cuteness!

Reebs announces that Carrie Underwood is the Entertainer of the Year after which she jumps up and down and is generally likable. Then Darius Rucker performs. I like him lots, although the “pan the crowd” shot showed some very bored white girls.

And it’s over! Nearly 2000 words.. but I did save almost three hours of your life, unless you’re a very slow reader, in which case you probably want to read better writers than me, and don’t thank a teacher.