Wrangler Dani

Carrie Underwood steps out of a classic car on the stage to “kick things off”. She’s so pretty it makes me want to cry. Brad Paisley awesomely backs her up on the electric guitar and rocks it, obvy. Lurve him. Aw, Keith Urban is playing the banjo with her too! He used to be really scruffy, now he’s all clean-cut in a leather tanktop? Weird combo. What did you DO, Nicole?

Brad is adorbs. Carrie and Brad do a cute little duet about Nashville flooding and Brad kinda burns Tim McGraw for being a “big-time” movie star, which is cute. I love small-town jokes! Brad and Carrie sing again about “pro sports going straight to hell” what with Tiger Woods and Brett Favre. Brad sings Lady Gaga and my little heart is exploding. I’m sorry, y’all, I’m too in love to be snarky. Soon somebody will wear something awful and I’ll be funny again, promise.

Oh, here it is. Ty Pennington is here to smoker’s cough his way into a weird “I love you guys” speech. LeAnn Rimes cuts him off weirdly, saying we make music here! Um, LeAnn? We know. Calm down, Ty ain’t stealing your show.

Lady Antebellum wins single of the year! They thank God first! Aw.

Rascal Flatts is singing about Vegas. I love them, but they seem a smidge old for this.  It’s a love song, but still. Meh.

The House That Built Me wins SONG of the year! Uncle Dud, did you watch this?! I think of you and Grandma and Grandpa’s house every time I hear this song.  They thank Jesus and their families and I’m kinda tearing up.

Brad and Carrie sing another ditty. Blake Shelton gets up and I expect him to wink creepily at every woman in the audience. Nothing says “trust me” like slicked back hair and lyrics that state “it’s all about tonight”. What a romantic.

Miranda Lambert is up. She’s so folksy. I lurve her, although I’m NOT in love with her spandex shorts/flapper skirt/corset top. Really, Miranda? You are bluegrass and honest and great. Don’t lose that in short skirts and boobs, now.

Flood jokes, haha. Nashville is definitely using this moment of fame to ask some well-deserved questions about why their crisis was ignored. Maybe because nobody in country music would vote for a Democrat? Heh.

George Strait. Pure class.

Darius Rucker presents new artist of the year. Zac Brown Band! Haven’t they won this before? Haven’t they been around for like, a long time? I’m confused.

Zac Brown Band and Alan Jackson harmonize and I love them. LOVE. AJ is super tall, too. Did I know this?

Kenny Chesney. Ever since he did the pooka shell-wearing Jimmy Buffet shtick, I’ve not been a fan. But the “Boys of Fall” could convince me. Football? Boys? Yes, please.

T Swifty. Holy crap she’s talented. And she wears red lipstick, which means she’s brave. You rock it, girl.

Sugarland. She’s a marionette? He’s in a top hat? She’s twangy, but man what a range. She’s scarily pretty too, DANGIT. It takes a courageous woman to wear tight white pants.

Vocal group of the year: Lady Antebellum. SHOCKER. (Kidding! I love them. I know you weren’t expecting this, but I DO. LOVE THEM.)

Keith Urban is back – this time no leather tanktop, Praise the Almighty. His hair looks very flatironed. Can I talk to your stylist, Keith? The Frizz, it doth takeover my head.

Reba! This is a weird song. “If I were a boy”? I don’t get it.

Standing O? Really? Reba is great. This song was not. Know the difference, people.

Jason Aldean. I think I like him, but my earrings are smaller than his. Gender confusion! Is this Kelly Clarkson singing with him? Yes, Google says. Yes it is. Eeee! Love! Thanks for losing the eyeliner and rage, sweets. Country looks good on you. Another standing O. Everybody loves rageless Kelly and Jason’s stylish hoops.

Miranda Lambert wins ALBUM of the year! Aw! She hugs Blake Shelton (her fiance) and giggles adorably. She’s also wearing a really cute white dress this time around, so way to make good choices.

Carrie calls Kid Rock “Detroit’s leading cowboy”. He wails smokily for a while and I think the fringe on his jacket might actually be made from his own hair. It’s all very similar.

Brad! Ok, I’m teary already. Y’all are on your own while I love America and get a tissue.

Standing O. Definitely some teary eyes in the crowd, SEE I’M NOT CRAZY.

Sugarland wins Vocal Duo of the Year for the FOURTH time. I love her little pixie haircut… think I could rock it?

Lady Antebellum sings. It’s fab.

Blake Shelton wins male vocalist of the year, and we catch a glimpse of Reba (who’s sobbing outright) and Miranda, (who’s definitely misty) and he says “y’all” and is generally likable and adorable. OK, Blake, you’re forgiven for the slick hair.

A very emo trio sings surprisingly well and is convincingly countryfied. Lesson learned – don’t judge a musician by their ill-advised hairstyle choices. (UNLIKE JENNIFER NETTLES – look back up at that cuteness! NOW. Still obsessed, good thing I don’t have money for a haircut right now or I would be joining the ranks of pixie perfection, STAT.) Still dunno who they are, though.

Brad is back, he wisecracks that “after the night Blake and Miranda are having we can expect a baby in about nine months” and then laughs at his own joke. Daddy jokes!

Carrie sings. Moms the world over cry. I’ve found my sister-in-law’s dream ball gown.

Dierks Bentley. He has made some less than favorable decisions in the past, but… wait for it… I LOVE HIM. And he’s all bluegrassy tonight! I know, play a show with Ed Helms and I will die of perfection. (Also, ADD moment – he kinda looks like Bradley Cooper – “there’s a tiger in the bathroom!”)

Loretta Lynn tribute. I have nothing to say except Sheryl Crow is the best we could do for this, really?

Miranda Lambert wins female vocalist of the year. She started out this year as an unknown little bluegrass artist, and now she’s cleaning up. Way TO GO. Aw, Reba’s crying again.

Gwynnie and Vince Gill sing “Country Strong” from her movie of the same title, and she is actually convincing, although maybe a smidgeon pitchy. I’ve never been a Vince Gill fan, although we pan over Amy Grant and baby, baby, my heart is in motion. You’ll always have my loyalty, Amy.

Tim McGraw presents Entertainer of the year to……

BRAD PAISLEY! YES YES YES. LOVE! He’s tearing up. Me too, because I like to pretend that we’re friends. Standing O! It’s about freaking time. He says “there’s a saying that if you see a turtle on a fencepost, he had help getting up there… and I feel like a turtle on a fencepost right now”. He’s probably the best guitar player in country music and he’s such a humble, normal guy.

I’m gonna go hug a veteran and eat some Momma’s cookin’ and not go down ’til the sun comes up. I LOVE COUNTRY MUSIC!