Wrangler Dani

The Hubs and I like to go adventuring on the weekends, and this last one was no exception. We loaded up the kayaks, 85 pounds of crackers, cheese and sundry snacks, oodles of other bits of gear that we would never use, and hit the trail for Lake Perris.

Lake Perris is a big lake out in the middle of the desert, known for being hot, crowded and not very pretty. Undeterred, we were still convinced that it would make a Sunday adventure for the ages. We’ll kayak! Maybe we could even rock-climb too! Bird-watch! Fish! Perhaps make an extra trip to REI to insure that we own sufficient gear for a one-day affair! You never know!

It actually was much prettier and more pleasant than we’d been led to believe, and I was ecstatic at the thought of getting ol’ Thelma and Louise (our kayaks) a good work-out. However, we headed around the wrong side of the park, where entrance is paid by honor-system. We may be honorable, but NO WAY are we paying $20 for a $10 entrance fee. There’s honor, and then there’s dumb. So we toodled back around to the correct side, where a poor overworked ranger almost forgot to give us our change anyway.

After all that, we turned around to go back to the other side before realizing that was a very bad idea to keep driving when THE LAKE IS RIGHT THERE and we should just get on the water already. We drove to a beach where we could put in, but I was disturbed by how steep it looked. I nervously hmmmmmed about hauling 100 pounds of kayaks and gear down a steep beach and falling and scraping myself and maybe dying with sand in my eyes, so Adam agreed that we should try a different one.

Hey! The next beach was the Longest Beach Ever! But it’s flat! Perfect. This is great idea. Ready to work out your upper body? Let’s do dis. (Side note: they sell wheels for kayaks. It would cost $100 and we could have the best, easiest portage experiences ever. But why do that when you could SAVE $100 and work out your shoulders and forearms and wrists and fingers?)

So we started hauling. The beach was SO LONG that we could not even see the car after we were halfway down. We’d walk Thelma down a-ways, my knuckles would start to turn white, Adam would realize we were about to give out, we’d give out, walk back up the beach, get Louise, come back down to Thelma, walk Thelma again, so back up, get Louise, walk Louise back to Thelma, pick up Thelma……………. FOR MILES.

I kept telling Adam, “This beach is long. These kayaks are heavy. I don’t even see the lake anymore. Where are we?” And he would just grin disarmingly at me and attempt to give me low-fives since my arms weren’t really capable of high-five movement anymore. We finally made it to the water, and he trooped back to get our lunch and paddles and sundry other stuff that we hadn’t bothered to stick in the kayaks. Finally I could see him returning, rising from the sand like freaking Lawrence of Arabia, bearing an insulated lunch box, paddles, life-vests and that maddening, unfailing grin.

Some people are just HAPPY all the time. Sheesh.

Our goal was to make it to the island in the lake to eat lunch and do some geocaching. We got there a lot faster than expected, so we decided to keep paddling around the island and see what we could see. It was GORGEOUS, y’all. Beautiful deep blue water stretching into green hills and snowy mountains in the distance – incredible. I had almost forgotten about the Longest Beach Ever, it was so pretty. Almost.

Anyway, we’d seen really cool picnic places on the near side of the island, but we got to the far side and decided to beach our kayaks in the weeds and scramble up a bug-ridden hill to get to a less-cool place. Just ‘cuz, okay? We had barely eaten our lunch when this speedboat blasting Fergie came puttering up, effectively sending any tiny slice of cool that our sad little camp-out was clinging to. We tore our way back through the weeds, slapped the bugs, got the kayaks back in the water and were off again. When we got to the near side of the island again, we found a gorgeous little inlet, perfect for Thelma and Louise to hang out in. we walked up a pretty little trail to another pretty trail, shaded by a tree. No bugs. Geocaches in our reach. Sun on our faces. Paradise.Why did we eat lunch on the other side?

“ATTENTION ALL BOATERS! BOATS MUST BE OFF THE WATER BY 5 P.M.!” Flashing lights. Official loudspeaker-ness. Dani hates getting tickets or getting pulled over or being looked at by men who could do either of those things, and panics. It’s 4:50.

GO GO GO!

We booked it, peeps.

We down the pretty trail, put in, and RACED to the Longest Beach Ever, all the while watching for Flashing Light Boat and laughing because really? This is crazy.

We made it back to shore with only moments to spare. Adam took a first load of gear up to the car while I guarded Thelma and Louise from the countless urchins who’d have loved to take them out for a joyride, and who eyed me suspiciously, convinced that I was scoping out their forts for hostile takeover. Finally, my Lawrence of Arabia came plodding back over the sand, maddening smile is gone, and looked at me, chagrined. “This is the Longest Beach Ever, babe.”

(Sigh). Yes. Yes it is.

We get about halfway up the beach when a little Mexican man, who’s probably never used a kayak in his life, delivers a piece of advice we will never forget: “You need a little cart with wheels”. Yes, sir, we do. The Longest Beach Ever has effectively stomped on any further delusions about putting off the purchase of said kayak wheels.

We finally get both kayaks loaded back on the roof-racks, everything in the car, my body feels like it’s been hauling 100 pounds for several miles, oh wait, it HAS. In our last moment of brilliance, we rinsed our feet off in the outdoor shower and walk back to the car ON THE GRASS. Not on the clean sidewalk next to the grass, on the dirty lake grass which now has ruined our clean feet again.

Adam looks at me, I look at him. We realize that this day has been one ridiculous mistake after another. He grins.

“That was dumb.”

I laugh until I can’t laugh anymore. That’s why we call them adventures, right?