Wrangler Dani

We’ve gotten a lot of questions about adoption since announcing that we’re on an adoption expedition. One thing I’ve realized is that many people don’t know how to talk about adoption or what questions are “OK” to ask. I want to encourage you, though, to treat adoptive parents-to-be just like any other parent-to-be. We are excited, nervous, clueless and scared, and probably don’t have many concrete answers for you. That said, here are some non-expert and non-exhaustive tips to help you talk to and encourage adoptive families you know (translation: read this, or you’re a bad friend. Heeeeeeheee.)

• Feel free to ask questions! I certainly can’t speak for everybody who’s ever adopted, but I do not mind answering questions about the process, the many steps involved or how adoption works. This is virgin territory for many people and I’m more than happy to educate. It’s OK to admit that you don’t know what to ask, too – we’re happy to tell you the latest and let you in to the journey.
• However, when you ask questions, remember that this is a parent-child relationship, not a business transaction or a legal document. In the same way that we don’t ask brides about their wedding costs, or bio-parents about their hospital bills, avoid using language that makes adoption sound like a business transaction. There IS a lot of paperwork and cost involved and I absolutely don’t mind sharing details if you want to know, but how you phrase those questions can either leave me feeling vulnerable or encouraged. For instance, you could say, “how much does a baby cost?” or you could ask “do you need help with fundraising? What are the costs involved with bringing your baby home?”
• “YOUR baby” “parents-to-be” and other normal phrases associated with bio-parents are gifts to adoptive parents. This is OUR baby. We are parents-to-be. Rejoicing with us, just as you would with a pregnant friend, is a generous gift to us.
• Please do not treat us like we are fragile around pregnancies and new baby announcements! We want to celebrate with you and we would love it if you would celebrate with us. Our baby may not have our noses or smiles, but he or she will have our laughter, our memories, our love story and our joy.
• Remember that we are expectant parents, and, just as you wouldn’t tell your pregnant friend about another friend’s gnarly miscarriage, so we don’t need to hear about your friend’s five-year-long adoption-related legal nightmare. Trust us, we know the risks. We have done a lot of research and we have heard every horror story out there. But just as a bio-mom knows that labor and delivery can be dangerous but enters into it with joy and expectation, we also wade into deep waters with optimism and love.
• Which leads me to a sensitive tip: please avoid saying things like “it’s different than having your own baby” or “did you try to have your own?” We are having our own baby. God has called us to parent a child who needs a family and we are honored to do so.
• (I’m gonna preach for a minute here) Remember that adoption is a choice. For many couples, including Adam and I, we have chosen adoption, not because of infertility, but because before we even got married we felt that God was calling us to adopt. We are strongly pro-life and we believe that every abortion breaks the heart of God, but in the U.S. less than 1% of women with an unplanned pregnancy make an adoption plan. In some cultures and sectors within our country, more children are aborted than born. We believe that God has called us to stand in the gap for these children in whatever way we can, offering the option of life to birth families in crisis. We as the Church need to stand in as mothers and fathers, literally taking the call of Christ to care for orphans, for the most helpless members of our society and live out that care in our homes and neighborhoods. This is a job that no government can do, no nonprofit can do, no church can do. Those organizations can help and be part of the solution, but they are not the solution. The solution is homes and families and a new way to celebrate life, one that relishes children as a gift from God within a family unit, because those little eternal souls are worth our heartache and expense. That doesn’t mean I believe every Christian is called to adopt, because I know that some are not and that is not a bad thing. But I do believe that every Christian is called to support adoption. That might be through helping, fundraising, celebrating and rejoicing with friends who adopt or just educating your kids about friends who may look different from their parents, therefore making your neighborhood a more adoption-friendly place.

Most of all, just remember that this is a time for joy. Every life is a gift and we are blessed to be parents, whether we fly across the country to meet them or feel them kicking inside us, whether we embrace the child at the moment of the blue plus sign or years later.

Thank you for caring enough to ask questions and give hugs, to participate in our expedition with such open hearts. We are indeed blessed, and everyone who reads and comments on this blog is part of the reason why.